there’s something about this world that always make me dream of you.  i started to write…

what beauty i have seen in this world. and none of the beauty reminds me of you…

only sorrows, and rainy days.

you arent part of me.

anymore…

love is my favorite thing about this world.

real. all consuming. over whelming. undeniable.- love.

a place or person you want to return to again and agian. and again. over and over.

its…. been so long since ive wrote..

like ive been hiding.

my life feels so dramatically different. i almost dont know what to make of it anymore.

but im enjoying this; i am.

“you are really something, melissa”- something said to me by a friend. i think to myself “i am something; i am.”-i think i forgot that for a while…

last night, i sat with some friends at culvers. and i told them everything. where i came from, what ive risen from, who ive become. i am so proud of myself. SO PROUD.

God really makes everything work for the good of those that love Him.

i wont pretend like i dont think about you. or that i dont long to know how youre doing.

i wont pretend like i dont miss you.

im hurting so prefoundly deep.

i needed our friendship…

me: im afraid ill lose everyone i love, or everyone that loves me…

him: no, you wont.

me: how can you be sooo sure? all i do is mess things up…

him: because ill never leave you, melissa. ill never leave you.

you wont find it often that i dont, what i like to call, “decorate” my posts. i always write straight from my heart, but i try to leave a hint of mystery behind every post i make. maybe im just a coward that cant speak bluntly, or maybe my thoughts are more like dreams- whimsical and magic.

tonight, i write with bluntness.

im a bit lost lately. but at the same time, i feel found.

for the past year, my life has been nothing but scrambled eggs. its just been one thing after the next. but, in all of that, i got the opportunity to meet some incredible people, and make my most lasting memories.

my most fresh, my most precious memories are those of josh and i. so many memories, of all sorts. josh was the kind of friend to me i always needed most. rushing into my life at one of my lowest points, he reminded me of who i wanted to be. never afraid of offending me, or making me angry, he held me to a standard everyone else was afraid to. i can be a jerk, more often than not. but josh drove the best in me. failed relationship after failed relationship, he challenged me to really think about “love”. he challenged my mind, and my heart. in that, i learned what i think God’s special “gift” to me was- the real and raw ability to love, really love. i remember the first time i told josh i loved him. back then i had no idea how much it would grow to be… i learned real friendship, and what it means to be there for someone. i learned loyalty. compassion. forgiveness. fun. freedom…. since josh has been in LA, i just miss him like crazy. unfortunately, we broke up a few days ago. but even that has been a lesson for me. “titles dont change the heart” i must admit, its been hard not calling him my boyfriend, and i often slip when talking to new faces. it doesnt matter what they know/think. my heart is still with him. but simply, i just long to be in his presence sometime. on long, rough days, i find myself searching for that familiar face and i settle for the closest listener, but i know who my heart is searching for- him, my most caring best friend. he has 3 more months before he comes home, and i know when he does nothing will be the same between us. which to me, is a scary thought, but ive come to terms with it. right now, i just feel like im grabbing, reaching, barely holding, scratching at every chance i get to stay close to him. i dont want to lose my best friend. and i know, deep down, he doesnt want that either. i understand his struggle. he doesnt want me to think hes ready to date again. hes not. he cant, right now. i understand, i do. and i plan to stay by his side for every (good or horrible) step of the way. right now i could just use his soft eyes, or warmth. its been missing lately. and i dont seem to be helping either. im moody, im upset, and i know im rude to him at times, i cant seem to help it.. i just have things to tell him, theres things i need to hear from him- about us, about our past, i need to hear he still loves me still cares, and i need to tell him i still love him. but as good of a writer as i am, each text only seems to make things worse. to me, this is a most urgent matter, but he is busy, he has a life.. i look forward to our next call or skype, when i can hoepfully find a way to better communicate. hopefully, he remains patient with me, before i end up pushing him away forever………….

i said earlier, that i feel lost AND i feel found. let me explain..

with the whole josh situation, i feel lost. my partner in crime is gone. that void is one no one else can fit. also, being at a new school. i have to make all new friends, which in some senses has been great, i get to start fresh and be whoever i want to be. but i miss my old friends. i see the things they are doing via facebook, and im not going to lie, it makes me sad im missing out. calls, texts, and emails get fewer each passing day, and i know its only a matter of time before that part of my life is a distant memory of people i once knew. that fact saddens my heart deeply…

but i am found.

i mentioned earlier of how josh challenged me, he has now become the voice of my head. he lives as my conscious. a never ending reminder that i can always choose who i am, who i want to be. its never too late to be great. and with new friends, new classes, new life, i am striving every day to be great, to be myself. impressing people moves lower on my list everyday, and being me becomes the joy of my life. i have found, i have a lot to offer this world. people seem to find me fun, full of life, and oddly enough, even an inspiration from time to time. for the first time in a long time, i am loving me. i am learning my faults, my short comings. and i am also learning my strengths, my beauty. i am thoroughly enjoying getting to know myself.

ill leave it at that for now. its late. this post is long.

but one last thing before i go…

i want everyone to know how thankful i am… for my life.

i can do anything if you want me here, i can fix anything if you let me near.

the cure is if you let in a little more love, i promise you this, a little’s enough.

“what though the radiance which once was so bright, be now forever taken from my sight. though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower; we will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind; in the primal sympathy which having must ever be; in the shooting thoughts that spring out of human suffering; in the faith that looks through death, in years that bring philosophic mind.”

have you ever heard me scream ‘i love you’? oh, i need you now.

a blend of fear and passion… you know what it’s like to believe.

i see the stars, theyre in your eyes. a playful kiss. you lost your wish, can i help you find it?

if love’s the word that you say, say it.. i will listen.

sometimes, i miss you more than i like to admit to even myself.

youre the best at being found in everything. shirts of yours ive had for months, and washed countless times are still laced with traces of your scent. when i listen to our songs, i still hear your voice over the track.

“leave me alone.” makes me want to scream into a pillow as loud as i possibley can.

youre the one thing i want to hold, and the one thing i want to run away from so fast and never look back.

i love being your prisoner. but thats just it- im still a prisoner.

today, im breathing in all i have left of you.

..i never know when my last breath will be.

i love the way he looks at me.

i love him.